Do you ever have those weird and wild moments when you and your team do something so utterly mental you think ‘Why isn’t there a camera following us to make a TV show about us?’ or perhaps a more simple: ‘We should write this down!’
Well here are a few of those times Ellie & I have encountered:
Megan: do you remember the time you drank absinthe at 3 in the afternoon to do some artwork and I sat in the bed thinking about hares and trees.
Ellie: I love that. Remember the time we did shots then lay on the floor and listened to ‘de lime and de coconut’
Megan: I’m going to write a ‘Remember that time’ book right now. Hit me.
- The time we walked down the corridor in Halls in search of our own Little Green Bag
- The time we got stalked by a Japanese man and very nearly raped. I was in a onesie in a night club so he asked me if I was ready to “roll straight into bed”
- That time I stuck hole punch pieces to your face then we went clubbing.
- That time we went to a screening of The Seventh Seal and it sent everyone in the room to sleep.
Megan: I remember a really good one, that time we ran across Parker’s Piece on the way to Revolution singing like Red Indians, then you hit your mouth so hard you split your lip. No more Red Indian wooping for us.
And the time we heard somebody stroking my duvet but it was neither of us.
Megan: Well, if we’re on the subject of paranormal activity… there was that time we watched Most Haunted for 5 days straight. By the end of it I asked a ghost in my room to knock twice, when it actually did it we got so scared (thus screaming) that I got a noise complaint!
Ellie: there was that other time when all we watched were Quentin Tarrantino films all weekend? And the other time when all we did was watch Alan Partridge! A-ha!
Megan: don’t forget the time we ate like Kings and tore apart a whole chicken between us, whilst drinking from our goblets!
Ellie: well, the time we purchased the blue goblets was a time of its own! Oxfam, 50p, blue plastic goblets – Ring of Fire resistant & you feel like a Queen during drinking games.
Megan: remember the time I wore Max’s hat and a guy stole it. Then when we hunted the guy down he said he wouldn’t give it back unless he got a kiss. Which you gave.
Ellie: Yes, then you ran over, took the hat, slapped him and we gallivanted back into the club.
Megan: We are reckless people sometimes aren’t we? Like the time I smashed Max’s plate in the kitchen by accident. He still brings that up.
Ellie: but, of course. Nothing will beat the recklessness of the time you drank wee.
Megan: we said we wouldn’t bring that up here?
Ellie: well… what’s done is done. Do you want to justify yourself?
Megan: Not particularly.
Ellie: people out there are going to think you leisurely drink wee now.
Megan: one time. Plus, despite the rumours, I did not swallow any. It touched my lips.
Ellie: ok, let’s move on. Remember the time we went to the cinema and snuck in ice cream with our own spoons.
Megan: of course, if I remember correctly, it was that same ice cream which broke my spoon?
Ellie: Oh yes.
Megan: and remember the time you really damaged your coccyx by sitting down in the shower straight onto a bottle of shampoo.
Ellie: that hurt.
Megan: then a few days later you tried to dance like Lady Gaga to ‘Telephone’ and damaged it some more. You still can’t sit down properly can you?
Ellie: not really. It’s a struggle. But, on a lighter note, remember the time we met SkyBlu from LMFAO coming out of a dodgy looking drug house at the side of Mill Road.
Megan: Mill Road has many a memory held on it? Remember the tramp that asked me if my legs were cold, I was drinking absinthe so shouted at him that my legs were quite alright thank you very much. If I’d been sober I’d have started crying. Apparently there’s a tramp on Mill Road that doesn’t have a tongue.
Ellie: don’t forget the time Max carried 12 Mountain Dew bottles on his head the whole way back down Mill Road.
Megan: or the party on Mill Road that we walked past and all the people were ‘wooing’ inside so we woo’d back from the sidewalk through the open window. Then they all went quiet and stared at us. There was an awkward moment of silence until they all suddenly threw their hands up in the air and ‘wooooped’ back even louder than before. Then they started shouting and asking for us to join.
Ellie: that was brilliant. Almost as brilliant as the harmony we had when we sang ‘Broken Strings’ all across Parker’s Piece. We did the whole song, didn’t we? You as James Morrison and me as Nelly Furtado.
Megan: That was fabulous.
Ellie: The man behind just thought we were fools I suspect.
Megan: Tuneful fools though?
Ellie: Remember the time we had too much pasta?
Ellie: you don’t? We were rushed to hospital. Carbohydrate OD’ing is one of the most serious over doses you could suffer with. Gave me runny poop for weeks.
Megan: I’ve only been to hospital once and that was the time I fell over in a toilet in Revolution and split my chin open…my family still think that happened when I was sober and walking down the stairs in my house.
Ellie: Megan, we went to A&E with froth spewing out of our mouths and blood out of our ears. We definitely OD’d on pasta.
Megan: well then I lost my memory because of it. I must have blacked out.
Ellie: That’d make sense, you did try to fly out of the top floor kitchen. It was ironic as well after we told the surveyor that there was no way anyone in Swinhoe could fit through that window. Looks like you could.
Megan: I have no recollection of this.
Ellie: it’s probably for the best. Do you at least remember giving that poor boy in a club an erection just by kissing him?
Megan: how could I forget that? I was scarred for life.
Ellie: I’m not sure I believe you.
Megan: he pointed it out to me. As well as repeatedly telling me he had a boner. I’m not proud of it though, so let’s move on?
Megan: the time…I lost my I.D…..twice.
Ellie: Ahh yes true, but we did learn something from losing the I.D. did we not?
Megan: that I’m an irresponsible, drunken wreck?
Ellie: No, that we’re such hard core partiers that the bouncers recognised us (despite only being in Cambridge for 3 months) that they’d let us in, free of I.D.
Megan: I think we both know that’s only because you flashed your knick nacks to one accidently.
Ellie: No! That’s one of them but the other one just saw me uncontrollably crying so gave me tissues.
Megan: Not sure why he didn’t kick you out. Even still, neither of those reasons for having your face known are particularly impressive or anything to be so proud of.
Ellie: I suppose not, but to everyone else it just looks like I’m really well known; they don’t need to know the embarrassing reasons do they? So let’s keep this between you and me, yeah?
Megan: it’s in the transcript now.
Ellie: well rub it out.
Megan: I don’t write in pencil Ellie, its biro all the way.
Ellie: …bitch. Was that man you gave an erection to from Cambridge University by the way? I just think we need to get that out there so all those pompous Cambridge folk can feel a cringe shudder down their spine when they realise that boy was one of their own.
Megan: yes, we had a fair few encounters with Cambridge boys did we not?
Ellie: oh yes. Like the time those three boys invited us to a Cambridge formal dinner.
Megan: hmm. And on finding out both of us were in relationships we never really heard from them again.
Ellie: they invited us out once.
Megan: I think after we declined them there, they de-invited us though.
Ellie: that’s true. Perhaps we should just pretend we went to the Cambridge formal dinner.
Megan: Ellie, biro transcript. No going back.
Ellie: oh the irony.
Megan: we are popular gals though.
Ellie: Sort of. At first. For a while. The photographer even recognised us as “those crazy freshers that went out every night!”
Megan: I suppose we peaked too soon. We were the party rockers of Cambridge town weren’t we? ( I like to think we still are ).
Ellie: perhaps. But even Lincoln still says we are, and always will be, his favourite freshers of all time.
Ellie: remember the time we danced to LMFAO and learnt the words and everything?
Megan: you mean the legendary video that got us all over Cambridge. (I shall post the link at a later date).
Ellie: Remember the fights we got into…?
Megan: Well… haters gotta hate Ellie… Haters gotta hate.
Ellie: I remember a dear friend of mine, Nicki Minaj, once saying ‘haters you can kill yourselves.’ If memory serves correctly, Christy thought this was too powerful, but I think it fits in just perfectly. If they have a problem, which many people did with our erotic dancing, then they –
Megan: can I just interrupt.
Ellie: if you must.
Megan: the dancing was in no way erotic. It was humorous and Michael-taking. However, the public of Cambridge wasn’t ready, they didn’t understand and some thought, some crazed few, thought we were trying to be sexual.
Ellie: sounds like The Mighty Boosh, doesn’t it?
Megan: anyway, do go on, I rudely interrupted.
Ellie: well all I was going to say was that, those idiots can kill themselves because if they don’t I’ll beat them to it and kill them. It’s probably less humiliating if they did it themselves. You know?
Megan: are you trying to post a formal public warning?
Ellie: have you got enough room in the bed there Megan?
Megan: Yes, more than!
Ellie:….yeah thought so.
Megan: …oh. Shall I move up.
And just for those who didn’t realise, we always do our best writing snuggled up in a single bed together, eating digestives.
Megan: right, where are we then?
Ellie: not sure, I’m starting to run a little dry. What about that time the Jamaican man at the Cambridge Market sold us a Jerk Chicken Bun thing? He warned us of the perils of success and to always trust in “the man upstairs.”
Megan: of course, I have a sneaky suspicion that was God talking to us actually. Because, for no reason whatsoever, we felt compelled to go to Church that evening.
Ellie: Remember the time we went to church and the service only lasted 15 minutes and then everyone left. That was weird?
Megan: there are some odd churches around Cambridge. There was that one when the man came up and said that anyone who wasn’t Christian was held captive by the Devil and that we needed to save them…
Ellie: yes, he asked us to stand at bus stops and stop strangers to try and covert them…
Megan: something tells me we stumbled across a rather…strict church that morning.
Ellie: remember the day we explored Cambridge?
Megan: how could I forget?
Ellie: what did we call it?
Megan: Culture-day Sundays.
Ellie: that’s it. I suggest anybody who goes to university should really go out round their new city and really soak in the sun and culture. Wherever you go you have every excuse in the world to act like a tourist. Take pictures. They’re memories you’ll wish you could hold on to forever.
Megan: alright, don’t get deep.
Ellie: sorry, I think it’s because Billy Joel’s started playing on your laptop.
Megan: this is rather a sad song actually. Do you want me to put Led Zeppelin back on?
Ellie: please do. I think a tear has come to mine eye.
Megan: I know a good memory that will cheer you up. Remember the time we went to a Chinese take away and we walked in and it was really odd. There was a small bench, with about 5 small Chinese men all cramped on, legs crossed. Then just after we ordered the girl returned with bowls of Chinese for everyone. And they all sat there in silence, practically on top of each other eating from these bowls. We had to ask the woman to have it to take away, even though it was clearly a Chinese take away…
Ellie: yes, otherwise we’d be stuck on the bench of Chinese men eating our chicken balls.
Megan: and it was such a tiny shop. Do you remember there was that Chinese couple too, who had to stand up and eat. I don’t understand why they insisted on eating in, I’d much rather sit in the comfort of my own home.
Ellie: Perhaps they don’t have a home? They didn’t even exchange any form of conversation with any of the other Chinese people.
Ellie: still it must be truly good Chinese food if the Chinese themselves chose to eat there.
Megan: this is when we find out they were all Japanese eh?
Ellie: What would you have done if the Japanese rapist that followed us home from Revolution had been there?
Megan: I don’t think I’d really recognise him. Man, that guy was creepy.
Ellie: ok Meg, as you’ve written up most of this you leave the rest with me and it’ll be finished in days.
Megan: I know what that means…
*Ellie never did write anymore.*