So I wanted to apply for a new job and I got asked to write a few paragraphs about what I can offer, about my interpersonal and communication skills and my hobbies/outside interests which link in with the job. I struggled with this application and …. this… is my first draft.
“What you’re looking for baby, is me.
I am that applicant, the one who demonstrates their interest all over the lavatory walls. The one who is a keen radio listener when it comes to radio porn. I grasp things, not so much your station, but I totally grasp some girls boob!
Attending theatre is often expensive? You got that right mo fo. But I am one hell of a keen listener, and one hell of a keen talker if you give me a moment.
Critical? I can be. Mainly on people’s clothing.
If I knew what it meant to have interpersonal skills, I would certainly let you know. Something here doubts even you understand yourself. You clearly do not have excellent communication skills – so therefore do I really need to?
However I could argue that this masterful plea for this placement is demonstrative of my communication skills. And don’t you tell me how to have a good grasp of basic IT Skills. I know more than basic. My fast and accurate IT skills will put many to shame. I once had a type-off with my best friend Ellie. I won every time. The competition was to see who could type ‘Hello my name is _____’ the quickest (WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE KEYBOARD)
To be honest, I could do it easily without looking at the screen too! I have once or twice just to prove my point, you know?
I am also highly adaptable, once they asked me to transform into a penguin, I took on the challenge and I almost did it, but then someone told me to stop trying. Something to do with an April fool’s joke – she called me gullible, which I assume is something to do with seagulls. Perhaps she was suggesting it’d be more beneficial for me to transform into a gull instead of a penguin.
I am aware of the BBC, I made a documentary on how manipulative it is. So… basically you don’t know who you are due to your lack of social skill, I don’t know who you are – we’re all in the same boat here… so why not hire me.
We see eye to eye –like cheetahs and owls do.